


11x11 Into The Mystic Inspired Season 11 Destiel Ficlet

by Samanstiel



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 11x11, 11x11 coda, Canon verse, Coda, DeanCas - Freeform, Destiel - Freeform, Destiel Fluff, Ficlet, Fluff, Lucifer - Freeform, M/M, Season 11, admitting feelings, canonverse, casdean - Freeform, dean is pining for cas, destiel ficlet, inspired by events in 11x11, into the mystic, into the mystic coda, supernatural season 11
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-28
Updated: 2016-01-28
Packaged: 2018-05-16 21:34:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5841796
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Samanstiel/pseuds/Samanstiel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean thinks he is pining for Amara until Lucifer takes Castiel away from him. Set right after they save Cas in a future episode scenario.</p>
            </blockquote>





	11x11 Into The Mystic Inspired Season 11 Destiel Ficlet

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry for any grammar mistakes

They had gotten Cas back. 

It was a difficult and winding journey but they had done it. It had been the Winchester’s top priority, and now they could all focus on expelling the darkness from the world. The ride back to the bunker was quiet. They were all too exhausted from their fight to really chat, especially Sam who always felt so drained face-to-face with the devil, even if he had been in Castiel’s body. Still, Sam drove. Dean was the one most shaken up by the whole ordeal and even though he pretended like he was okay, Sam could tell from the moment he realized Cas wasn’t Cas that this would be traumatizing for Dean, but they had Cas back now and the road to recovery would need to be short lived if they wanted to save the world.

 _"Maybe Cas doesn't want to be saved,_ " Sam had mentioned. 

 _"Not possible,"_ Dean had replied quietly with hurt in his eyes. 

But for now, Sam let Dean rest. All that was behind them. Dean had managed to convince Cas to take control and expel Lucifer, but it had been true. Cas didn't want to be saved and he let satan possess him with his own free will and that pain in Dean's heart was greater than any physical affliction he had ever felt. He felt it when he held Sam in his arms when he died. He felt it when Cas had been stabbed by April. He felt it when Sam was killing himself to close the gates of hell. More recently, he felt it rush into him when the mark was removed and he realized what he had done to his best friend in the library of the bunker when all Cas had been trying to do was help him. He hurt Cas and never really apologized. It was too painful.

Cas sat in the back seat, Dean occasionally checking on him from the rear-view mirror as if he were going to randomly disappear or admit that they hadn’t saved him and it was all just a trick—that he was still Lucifer, but Dean knew this was a silly thought. The look in Castiel’s eyes told Dean that he was himself. Exhausted and somber, but still Castiel. 

When they finally arrived at the bunker, they unpacked their things and headed inside. No words, just heavy shuffles of their tired feet against the ground. Sam made his way down the front stairs, plopping his bag on the table in the war room. Dean and Cas followed, Cas straying away as he didn’t have any belongings. Sam eyed Cas, but neither really looked at the other. Cas was afraid Sam would be upset with him—angry that he had said yes and set Lucifer free even if at the time he believed it was the only way to save the world. When Sam opened his mouth to speak, Cas prepared for the worst, even if Sam wasn’t one for anger and was always forgiving. 

“Good to have you back, Cas,” Sam spoke and their eyes finally met. Sam smiled softly, much to Cas’s pleasant surprise, and placed a gentle hand on his shoulder. 

“I’m sorry—about all this,” Cas immediately apologized, feeling like the weight inside him had grown too heavy and he needed to say something. 

“No—Cas,” Sam shook his head and opened his arms. Cas stood awkwardly for a few moments, unsure of what to do before he finally accepted the small hug. Sam pat him on the back several times before pulling away, glancing at Dean who stood by watching the exchange. 

“Whatever happened—it doesn’t matter. All that matters is that you’re back, okay? No need for apologizes or explanations,” Sam offered, “If you want to talk more about it later, then yeah. I’ll listen, but I’m not going to be mad at you. I know what it feels like to have Lucifer poking around in your head, and what it feels like afterwards. I know you’re probably going through a lot, and you being okay is priority here.”

“I understand,” Cas spoke plainly, “Thank you.”

“Well if you two don’t mind,” Sam gestured to his brother and the angel, “I am exhausted. Long drive, long fight. I’m going to bed.” 

“Goodnight,” the two murmured as Sam nodded to them, heading out of the war room and down the long hall that led to his bedroom. He paused once to look back at the stillness that had fallen between Dean and Castiel, wondering if he should be part of whatever talk they were about to have. He knew that they should probably speak privately and that Dean would fill him in, so he continued down the hall. 

Dean and Cas stood in silence for several long moments without really looking at each other. Cas’s head tilted down, staring blankly at the floor as he tried to gather words. Dean leaned onto the mapped table, staring at the markings on it as if he were exploring its contents. Cas opened his mouth to suggest Dean getting some rest when Dean finally met his gaze, cutting him off. 

“I don’t understand why you did it,” he began. Cas shook his head slightly, unsure of what to say, guilt and fear bubbling inside him. 

“Dean, I”—

“I’m not mad, Cas,” Dean insisted softly and Cas believed him, “But do you think we don’t care about you? Is that it? Is that why you said yes, because if so you are wrong, so, so wrong.”

“I thought it would save the world,” Cas justified, “Lucifer—he’s my brother and I know he is bad but the darkness is worse. I believed him and I believed that sacrificing myself to save the world would be worth it. That I’m expendable”—

“No, Cas, you’re not,” Dean disagreed more aggressively then he intended. He took a moment to settle. Cas stared at him, his defiant words trailing off at the statement Dean had just made. His heart swelled, and for the first time in a long time he felt tears threaten his eyes. He didn’t understand the emotions—he felt guilty, hurt, depressed yet somehow relieved. Relieved that Ambriel had been wrong and that Dean didn’t think he was expendable. 

“But I’ve done so many things wrong,” Cas fought, “I’m weak. You and Sam are so strong—you’re the ones who can save the world. All I can do is make mistakes and sit here with my broken wings until one of you needs me.”

“Is that what you think you are to us?” Dean was offended. He stepped forward, invading personal space. Cas stood his ground and tried to remain strong but this conversation hurt too much, even if Dean was trying so hard to convince him that he was important, “I know I’ve done a terrible job expressing my feelings and how much I care about you, but not only do you mean something to the world, Cas, you mean something to me. You are not expendable, Castiel, you are irreplaceable, and don’t you forget it. You are not just some object Sam and I use to save our asses—yeah you save us but we are all in this together and you are family to us. You are family to _me_.” 

“Do you really mean that, Dean?” Cas questioned, his voice small and broken. Dean nodded, hurt that the man in front of him thought so lowly of himself. 

“Of course I do,” he confirmed. Cas broke their gaze, lowering his head as he thought things over. The two were quiet once again, Cas settling his emotions as Dean’s mind buzzed with things that needed to be said. He stared at the angel, wanting to say so much but he was unsure of how to say it. Finally he took a deep breath in.

“I need to tell you something,” Dean breathed, breaking the silence. 

“What?” Cas questioned, their eyes meeting once again. The sadness that had been in Castiel’s eyes was replaced by curiosity for the sudden declaration. Dean paused, biting his lip. 

“I’m weaker than I thought, Cas,” Dean admitted finally, turning away from the man in front of him to walk back to the table. He was too ashamed to face him. Cas shook his head. 

“No, thats not true. You’re one of the strongest people I know,” Cas insisted. 

“I’m not,” Dean disagreed, “I’m vulnerable.”

“Vulnerable?” Cas echoed, “To what?”

“Amara,” Dean answered finally, a tension falling between the two that hadn’t been there before. He glanced back at Cas, who stood still with his head tilted as he listened attentively to what Dean was saying. 

“What do you mean?” Cas asked softly. 

“I told you—well, Lucifer, what I meant,” he turned to look at Cas, back leaning against the table, "I thought it was you but it wasn’t. He wanted to use my vulnerability—my attraction to Amara to draw her out.”

“That sounds reckless,” Cas objected. 

“I know, and I don’t know if I am strong enough to resist her,” Dean confessed, "She’s holding me against my will, is using me—dangling me, forcing herself on me. She said she couldn’t be resisted and what if she is right? I’m weak, and she is so strong, and I know that for certain."

“Dean…” Cas wanted to say something comforting, but he was unsure of what to say. He stammered.

“But there is something else I know for certain, too,” Dean continued. 

“What?” Cas questioned. 

“In light of recent events, I’ve come to realize that while there is a connection between Amara and me—an attraction, a bond, whatever, that I’m not pining for her,” he concluded with sincerity, ”I’m not holding out for her and I don’t want to be with her. Never. The key to my happiness is not the darkness, and it sure as hell ain’t the key to a long life. She wanted to eat my soul. She said I’d live forever, or whatever, but I’d be enslaved to her. No. I’m not a slave to anyone—I’d rather die a bloody death. What we have always been about is free will and the right to choose, and I don’t choose her. Never will, no matter how hard she seduces me. Sure, the attraction and bond will always be there—she’s controlling like that, and she may have my mind and my body but she does not have my heart and soul. Those two things are here with you and Sam, and they are rooted too deeply to be ripped apart by some chick.”

“I’m glad you feel this way,” Cas answered, stepping forward to face Dean, “That’s the first step to releasing her grip on you. Acknowledging that it’s there, but you don’t want it—that’s the key to overcoming this, just like with anything, and I’ll do everything I can to help you get through this.”

“You being here is already helping,” Dean admitted, which forced a shy smile on Cas’s face. Dean smiled back, but it faded as his thoughts continued their trek. 

“I feel like part of the reason I am so attracted to the darkness is because I feel like I don’t deserve the light,” he continued. 

“You know that’s not true,” Cas objected, placing a hand on Dean’s shoulder. Dean’s eyes trailed to Cas’s gentle touch, lips parted as words stuck to his tongue. 

“No, Cas, I don’t. I don’t deserve _you_ ,” Dean finally confessed, his eyes staring at his friend. Cas’s hand fell from his shoulder as his face flushed in confusion, unsure of what Dean was saying. He didn’t have to question before Dean elaborated, words pouring out of him like a waterfall. No more holding back. 

“Amara is the evil and dark in the world,” he declared, “And you are the light and good.”

Cas stared at him with curious eyes. His insides fluttered, unsure of what he should be feeling or what to expect. 

 "I never thought I deserved to be saved, and yet you’ve saved my ass more times than I can count. I’m not pining for Amara,” Dean shook his head, “The truth is I am holding out for you.”

“Dean”—

“Let me finish, Cas,” he smiled softly, hushing the man in front of him. Cas fell silent. 

"I didn’t realize it," Dean continued, "But I am following my heart and my heart is not with her.I thought maybe it was, but it’s not. It never has and never will be. It is with you. I realized that you and Sam are the only two people in the world who really care for me—me deep down, me through all the pain and suffering. Sam because he is my brother, and you? Why are you always by my side, Cas? Why do I always _need_  you by my side?”

Cas searched for the answers to Dean’s question, but he didn’t have an answer, at least, not one that he understood or could explain. 

"It’s because it’s you,” Dean elaborated, "Maybe part of me was always hoping you’d be holding out for me too, and that things were just too crazy or too complicated for either of us to say anything. Well I can’t do that anymore. When Lucifer took you away from me—that confirmed it. It’s terrible, I know, but with everything that has happened between us in the past few years and the recent conversations I’ve had it brought the picture into focus. When I had the mark, I felt it. I didn’t want to die because I wanted to be with you and Sam. It passed briefly when it was removed, but then when you were under that spell—it was there again. This feeling in my gut. And then Sam and I talked about having a special someone—I can’t have one, I don’t deserve one and it wouldn’t work with anyone, except you. You and I—we already work. You understand this life, and then when we worked that banshee case. I met a woman who told me to follow my heart and that’s how I’d be happy. All signs pointed to Amara, because at the time that was what I was feeling, but no. I was wrong, and it’s taken me too long to realize that it’s you. It’s always been you, Cas, and when you were taken from me again it was unbearable—just when I thought I had gotten you back and things were going to be okay you were taken from me again and all these feelings came back. Those feelings are a hell of a lot more powerful than whatever Amara has over me. I’m done holding it back. You deserve to know that I care about you and that I pick you.” 

“Dean,” tears swelled in Cas’s eyes. He swallowed hard, but he didn’t try to hold them back. Dean was equally as emotional, but he hated the tears that formed on Cas’s cheeks. He had never seen them before, “I don’t deserve you.” 

“No, Cas, it’s the other way around,” He lifted his hand to Cas’s face, placing his thumb gently over a spot to stop the tears from flowing. 

“I had no idea,” Cas claimed with a broken voice.  

"You understand me, Cas," Dean went on, "You saw me at my worst with the mark and still thought I was worth fighting for. You said long after everyone was gone you would still be here. That kind of devotion is all I need to know that you feel the same way—that you and Sam are my key to happiness. I know you feel it, too. Maybe you don't know what it is, hell I don't really know what it is either, but it's what's been building us up this whole time. I was just too stupid to see it at first.” 

“I didn’t think I deserved you, and I didn't want to make you uncomfortable,” Cas spoke with confirmation, “My vessel, I just thought”—

“I don’t care about that,” Dean interrupted, “I care about you—deep down, who you are, like you care about me. Your essence, or whatever. That’s kind of how it’s always been. Nothing can keep me from what’s between us—I don’t care about that, and I don’t care how attracted I am to Amara. My bond is with you, not her, and it’s deeper than anything physical. What we have can’t be broken by some deity in a flattering dress, and I’m so sorry it’s taken me this long to tell you all this.” 

“You don’t have to apologize, Dean,” Cas insisted, “I understand. The whole thing—it’s foreign to me, too. I’m extremely old, but what I feel…I’ve never felt anything like this before. All these emotions are so confusing.” 

“Well, I’m not that old,” Dean joked, forcing a smile on Cas’s face, “But I haven’t felt anything like this before, either. Not really.” 

“I’m glad you told me,” Cas stated, “You can tell me anything, you know that.”

“I know,” Dean spoke, “I’m just happy you are here with me.” 

“I’m happy I am here, too,” Cas nodded, a shy smile on his lips. He lowered his head, unsure of what to say or do. Dean chuckled lightly. “Now what?”

“Take it one day at a time, I guess,” Dean suggested, “But right now I’m going to hug you because I’ve missed you and you deserve a hug. It's long overdue.”

“Okay,” Cas approved with a grin. Dean opened his arms and Cas embraced him with ease. Dean held the closeness for several moments, taking him in—one hand intertwined with his hair and the other resting on his mid back. Cas tucked himself into Dean’s shoulder, both arms wrapped around him gently. Cas closed his eyes, taking in the moment and all the wild emotions he had felt suddenly phased out to elation and happiness. Dean felt warm and happy, too. He was so unaccustomed to happiness that this feeling with Cas was foreign, but he was already looking forward to their next embrace as soon as he was out of his arms and standing in front of him once again. 

“You should really get some rest,” Cas offered and Dean nodded. 

“Yeah, you’re probably right,” Dean confirmed, “What are you going to do?”

“I don’t know,” Cas admitted, “Try to find some information on the darkness and her hold on you, I suppose.”

“No, Cas, you should rest, too,” Dean insisted, “Just…take it easy. Read a book, and not one on how to kill monsters, or watch TV. You deserve a night off.” 

“Okay,” Cas agreed. 

“I’ll see you in the morning,” Dean reassured with a smile. Cas nodded. 

“Goodnight, Dean,” Cas spoke softly. 

“Goodnight, Cas,” Dean returned, turning to walk away from Cas. He paused before he made his way down the hall, peeking back at Cas who sat alone at the table adjusting the collar of his coat as if it had been ruffled and settling into his seat to pull his cellphone out. He admired Cas for several seconds before he continued down the hall, his heart full of hope.

For the first time in a long time, Dean had no trouble sleeping that night. 


End file.
